It is the First Day of Dicksmas! I have a backlog of product reviews, and so I decided that I will catch up this month. So, as a result of trying to catch up on all my reviews, Dicksmas was born! I am going to try and get all twelve days of Dicksmas, even though as of right now, I don’t have twelve products to review. By the end of the month, though, I hope I will. The ten days of Dicksmas doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.
Also, Dicksmas is a great opportunity to fuck myself as a nice change from the current tax bill which is trying to fuck me instead.
But enough about that! Onto the toys.
Guys, gals, nonbinary pals, I am writing this Satisfyer Pro Penguin review after putting some substantial mileage on the toy. I waited, wanting to see if the novelty would wear off. The novelty has not worn off. I have seen the light, and it is penguin.
(Note: This post uses affiliate links.)
I have heard of Satisfyer mostly as the “cheaper knock-off” Womanizer. Sorry, Satisfyer, but that reputation is out there. And yet I was apprehensive to try the Womanizer, both for its name, and for the narrow suction nozzle. I have a hood piercing, and I was worried the Womanizer wouldn’t work with my anatomy. The Satisfyer Pro Penguin, though, looked to have a larger nozzle that I figured might fit over my entire barbell. I also saw a review online from a person with a hood piercing, and she had nothing but rave reviews for the company.
So, I wrote to Satisfyer, and they graciously sent me two Satisfyer products for me to review. I will review the other product in an upcoming post.
I started with the Penguin, and it may have ruined me for all other sex toys, ever.
Out of the Box
The Satisfyer Pro Penguin is one of the newest iteration of Satisfyer toys. It comes in a simple white box with an image of the toy printed on it.
Once you open the box, the Penguin rests in his little plastic shell with instructions and a charging cable. Like most charging cables nowadays, this is a USB-end cable.
I knew it was cute, but I didn’t realize how cute until it arrived and I took it out of the package. I’m glad that the Satisfyer people realized their design looked like a penguin and ran with it, complete with his bowtie.
Speaking of that bowtie: I thought it would be a ribbon that I would need to remove in order to use the toy, but it is actually silicone. That’s right; the bowtie can remain in place so my little clit lamprey can look as dapper as possible.
The Satisfyer Pro Penguin has a square nozzle with a silicone gasket that can come out for washing. The belly of the toy has two buttons: the bottom one increases the setting, and the top one decreases the setting. This seems backwards, but when you’re actually holding the toy against your clit, it’s upside-down. This means up is up and down is down when it’s actually in use. You turn the Penguin on and off by holding the “up” button.
He charges by magnetic conduction. The bottom of the toy has the two metal dots that attach to the charger.
While he’s charging, the light-up buttons on his belly glow, varying brighter and dimmer, until fully charged. His buttons also light up when he’s on. Here he is when he’s turned on, all cute and lit up:
(This toy really does feel like a “he” to me rather than an “it” because of the anthropomorphic design. I’ll switch to “it” while I’m discussing function, because it gets kind of weird otherwise.)
It Goes to Eleven
The Penguin has eleven settings. I have to take this on faith, because I have never made it past five in my own use. But while the toy was safely in my hand, I turned it up all the way to make sure. And, like Spinal Tap would hope, it really does go to eleven.
As you start to turn the penguin up to the higher settings, it becomes far more reminiscent of a vibrator than a suction-type toy. The suction is still present, but I think it begins to vibrate more rather than suck harder. I would imagine there is a limit to the amount of sucking which is safe… but, you know, I’d welcome a willing partner to help me find out. *wink wink, nudge nudge*
Onto My Box
When I first tried to align the penguin with my clit, I realized that despite the larger nozzle size, there is no way my entire hood piercing barbell would fit inside. Immediate despair! Would the toy still work? I tried moving the barbell around, trying to angle it to fit, but that wasn’t going to happen. So, moderately apprehensive that the Penguin was going to suck the bottom ball right off my barbell, I aligned the nozzle differently. I set it over my clit and clit hood, even though the top of the barbell was protruding outside the nozzle. Then, very cautiously, I turned it on.
On the lowest setting, the sucking was very gentle. I didn’t have any discomfort or pain from the protruding barbell. (I never did, by the way, in this or any subsequent tests.) The nozzle didn’t need a perfectly airtight seal to work.
On the lowest setting, I didn’t notice very much happening. There was a feeling, but it was more weird instead of arousing. I couldn’t quite compare it to anything. I turned the Penguin up to 2, and then I started to feel something. It felt a bit like suction, but suction combined with a light thrumming of air against my clit. Like a tiny, featherweight jackhammer.
Then I flicked it up to 3.
Holy shit, that setting was suddenly way more intense. Suction, combined with air, stronger and in a cascading series of patterns. Setting 4 was even stronger, the thrumming nearly constant, and I quickly found myself heading toward orgasm. I was holding the body of the toy, my thumb lightly resting on the belly, as I got very close to the edge. And then, accidentally, I hit the button that cranked it up to 5.
Maybe… don’t do that.
My orgasm was so sharp, it hurt. But, like, in the awesome way. As quickly as I could, I turned it back down to 4, and rode out the rest of my climax in bliss.
The Neverending Orgasm Story
I’ve learned, from frank conversations with my friends and lovers, that people experience orgasm differently, even if they have the same type of genitalia. For me, if I get continued stimulation on my clit, I can continue to experience orgasm until the stimulation stops. I might go into a bit of an orgasm valley, where the pleasure is less intense, but I’ll peak again and have a multiple if the stimulation continues. I have to consciously relax my muscles and/or stop the stimulation to end the orgasm. Usually, I get exhausted enough to let it fade.
This Penguin has some pretty wonderful/terrible orgasm potential for someone like me. Unlike a vibrator, I can’t just move it slightly off my clit when the climax gets too intense. That suction is locked on, and pulling it off would be unpleasant. I can turn it totally off, but that requires some serious presence of mind. Instead, once I come, I am in for the long haul.
I also tend to curl up when I come, my head and shoulders coming off the bed like an abdominal crunch. One time, I came so hard with this toy that my abs were sore from holding that position for such a long time.
I could imagine some wonderful forced orgasm play with this device.
Variations and Fun Facts
Since this early experiment with the Penguin, I’ve learned a few tricks.
- I don’t have to hold him in place. Once I align the penguin, I can close my legs most of the way and he stays where he should be, thanks to my thighs and the suction. This leaves my hands free for browsing porn on my phone or playing with my nipples. Score!
- If I open my legs slightly while he’s locked on, he will tilt a bit and pull slightly away, which changes the angle on the suction and feels really cool. If I open my legs too much, he falls off, and that is way less fun.
- The Penguin really is waterproof. I took him into the bath, and that was a delightful series of sensations. He works equally well underwater.
- Using the Penguin along with a dildo is okay, but for me, it doesn’t increase my pleasure. Personally, I’d rather just focus on the Penguin. If I have to spread my legs enough to work a dildo, it means I also have to keep a hand on the Penguin so he doesn’t fall off my clit. That’s so much work, y’all.
- It is possible to edge with the Penguin. This requires some good knowledge of one’s own pre-orgasm feels, since it takes a second for the Penguin to turn off. In the edging game, a second is a really long time.
- The Penguin heightens clitoral sensitivity for me after removal, but it doesn’t leave my clit sore or swollen like a pump. The sensitivity is undoubtedly due to increased blood flow, but it’s not so sensitive afterward that touching my clit is uncomfortable.
- The Penguin is nearly silent once attached to the clit. This is a great toy for quiet play. I can’t guarantee that you will be quiet, but the toy certainly would be.
- I know of at least one transman who also enjoys this toy, but I don’t know how universally that applies. If you’re a transguy on T, the larger nozzle of the Penguin might work for you during transition – but I don’t know for sure. If you’re willing to try it out and let me know, I’ll add that information to this review.
- For perverts like me, it is very easy to imagine this toy’s sensation like a tentacle brushing over your clitoris. It has a mixture of touch and suction that feels really tentacley, if you’re so inclined to fantasize along those lines. If not, don’t worry about it. It’s only tentacley if you want it to be.
The Penguin is a seriously good value for what you get. At somewhere between $50 and $60, depending on where you get it, it delivers incredible orgasms for a great price. I don’t know how it stacks up to the Womanizer Pro, since I haven’t given that a try yet, but it’s half the price. That’s pretty darn incredible. For a magnetic-charging, fully waterproof, high quality sex toy, $50 – $60 is a steal. I’ve paid more than that for some really shitty vibrators.
It’s important to balance pluses and minuses for all toys. The main downside to the Penguin, as far as I can see, is that the removable silicone gasket at the nozzle is prone to coming off in storage. It would be very easy to lose. I haven’t had this problem myself, but I have noticed that each time I take the nozzle off to clean it, it’s a bit easier to remove. Logically, I’d imagine that after extended periods of time, it might fall off on its own when resting in a drawer or on a nightstand. You can buy replacement gaskets on Satisfyer’s website.
This also isn’t a toy you can really sterilize for multiple partners. Yeah, you can boil the little silicone gasket, and you can wash the whole body of the Penguin, but there is a chance of some fluid transfer if you use it with multiple partners. If you’re not fluid-bonded with someone and that amount of fluid transfer concerns you, I recommend you each get your own. They are cost-effective enough to buy more than one.
Finally, as you noticed from my review above, the buttons are very sensitive. It’s quite easy to accidentally turn him up an additional setting by accident, which can be alarming at the moment of orgasm. Or awesome. Your mileage may vary.
I have recommended this toy enthusiastically and repeatedly to all of my friends. It’s one of the first toys that I universally endorse to anyone with a clitoris. So many toys are subject to being more or less effective based on individual preference and anatomy, but the Penguin has a very broad application range. I think everybody should try this thing. He is my favorite, and he’s ruining me for other sex toys.
Get yourself a Satisfyer Pro Penguin. It’s December. Penguins are in.