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It’s the second day of Dicksmas 2021, and today’s the day I share with you my Turbo Baller review. The FemmeFunn Turbo Baller is a remote-control-operated vibrating dildo with 360-degree movement. This means the top third of the toy moves in a circle. It doesn’t spin on its axis like I feared; it draws a circle in the air around its center point. Despite my aesthetic quibbles with the visuals–and the name–the Turbo Baller is an effective vibrator with a unique motion and some strong design elements.
Out of the Box
The Turbo Baller comes in a very sturdy box with an image of the product on the cover. The back has information about the product, including its dimensions.
Here’s the Turbo Baller out of the box. It comes with instructions, a remote control, and a charging cable.
Here are some shots of the Turbo Baller from its various sides.
And here’s a closer look at certain parts to show a sense of the size.
The base of the Turbo Baller is concave to create a strong suction cup.
There are two key buttons for the Turbo Baller, duplicated at the base of the toy as well as on the remote: a standard power button which cycles through the vibration options, and a “turbo boost” button that increases the intensity and speed.
Both the Turbo Baller and the remote control charge with the same charger, the stabby kind of charger. Here’s where it plugs into the toy’s base:
The Turbo Baller is the stickier kind of silicone, meaning it does pick up a lot of lint, but it’s totally waterproof so you can wash it off in the sink (and should!) before using it.
Some Aesthetic Commentary
I will talk soon about using the Turbo Baller, an experience that’s generally quite favorable, but I do need to address the visuals first, as it’s pretty hard to ignore.
Listen, I get it. This is a sex toy. People have sex with penises. It’s not a huge leap of logic for a toy maker to assume that sex toys should look like penises, especially sex toys used for penetration.
But, like… do we have to?
I enjoy penises as much as anyone else, but I do not find them aesthetically appealing. The appeal of penises is the person they’re attached to, not the bulging veins or wrinkly testicles. Realism in sex toys is not my bag. It also feels really gendered to me — like this is what guys think women want sex toys to look like. The name, too, feels like it’s geared toward guys buying sex toys for their girlfriends, choosing whatever has “turbo” in the name. I cringe a little bit every time I type the name “Turbo Baller.” But then again, one of my favorite toy companies honestly named themselves “Womanizer,” so no one is immune.
Enough of my aesthetics rant. Let’s talk performance!
Into My Box
The first time I used this Realistic Dildo, I used it in my standard position on my back, and I tried it without the remote. The buttons on the base were a bit hard to find and push while in use, but I got the hang of it after a while. I was impressed with the Turbo Baller’s strength as a vibrator and a…moving shaft? I’m not sure how to name the circling movement it does. It presses firmly against the walls of the vagina and creates a definite sensation of motion. This is a really unique motion, movement without being thrusting, and I found it interesting and pleasant. I also noticed that the exterior portion of the shaft was moving a bit in response to the internal motion. Newton’s laws and all that.
The vibration itself is more buzzy than rumbly, so it mostly served to remind me of the toy’s presence vs. actually resonating through the internal portion of my clitoris. I tried turning the shaft around so the testicles were against my clit, transmitting some of the vibration, but the split nature of the testes meant that I wasn’t getting any vibration against the clit itself. Instead, I settled for manually rubbing my clit and that went great.
I had a feeling, though, that the Turbo Baller would work best if it were anchored via suction cup to a surface instead of just floating around mid-air. It worked fine without an anchor point, but I knew that if the base were stuck in place, the internal motion would feel stronger. I tried the wall, but as soon as I turned it on, the entire hollow drywall became a giant speaker. This took the normal humming vibrator noise to a terrifying WHIRRRRRRRR. I swiftly turned it off and pulled the toy off the wall. I found a flat surface that wouldn’t transmit sound to kneel over instead.
Kneeling over the Turbo Baller instead of using it on my back elevated the toy from “fine” to “excellent.” With the base fixed in place, the top half had its maximum range of motion, and I felt it far more than previously. This became my favorite way to use the toy. It still didn’t make the buzzy vibrations into rumbly vibrations, but it didn’t matter, because the motion was stimulating on its own.
The Turbo Baller has a series of vibration intensities and patterns, all accessed through the primary power button. I played a bit with the Turbo Boost button, which makes the vibration and rotation suddenly go from normal to LUDICROUS SPEED. If you’re the kind of person who enjoys a big power boost near orgasm, you’ll like that feature.
Kudos and Caveats
Kudos for the size of this toy, at least for my preferences. It’s got a good length and girth, but not so much of either that it precludes using the toy without a ton of lube or warmup. Everyone’s bodies are different, of course, but I found this pretty easy to insert and feel without having to work it in like some of the larger toys.
Caveat: this thing is so penis-y it’s almost a parody. I’ll tag on the fact that the name is just not great. Please, just call it the Vortex. That’s a cool name.
Kudos: The light blue color can let you feel like you’re fucking the Night King from Game of Thrones, if that’s your bag.
Kudos for waterproofing, even submersible waterproofing.
More kudos for the suction cup base which is solid and sturdy. It let me affix this thing to a wall. That is, before I realized the wall was a bad idea.
Caveat: this is not the loudest toy in my arsenal, but it’s not quiet, either.
Another caveat: The vibrations are buzzy, not rumbly. So if vibration is your primary method of stimulation, you won’t enjoy this as much as another vibrator.
Kudos for a really unique motion. If you like the feeling of motion, and you enjoy pressure deep inside, you’ll probably enjoy this product.
Caveat for the charging method. The stabby charger always makes me a little uncomfortable, but it’s mostly a caveat because you have to charge the toy and the remote separately using the same charger. I charged up the toy and then realized I hadn’t charged the remote. I’d rather have used batteries in the remote, or had a charging station that could charge both at the same time.
Kudos for a toy made right here in the USA, if that’s something that you value as a consumer.
I’ll also give both kudos for great customer service and a caveat for needing it. My first one’s charging port was broken, but they sent me a new one right away.
Kudos for having an anal safe toy with this kind of movement. The flared base of those testicles makes it safe for anal insertion.
The Turbo Baller looks a bit silly and has a silly name, but it’s actually a really effective toy that’s different than most anything else I’ve tried. I like the motion of it and I love the combination of that motion with a suction cup base. I think there’s a lot of room to have fun with this toy if you can overlook the penis-y nature of it. Or maybe you like that! I’m not here to stop you. It’s a good size with great motion, and I had a lot of fun getting to know its intricacies. Don’t judge a dick by its veins, folks! There’s a lot to like about the Turbo Baller.
Happy Day Two of Dicksmas!
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