Sometimes, I like sexting with people on Kik.
Wow, that’s a sentence that wouldn’t have made any sense twenty years ago.
In case you’re twenty years behind in technology or just haven’t heard of Kik – or maybe sexting – I’ll explain. Kik is an anonymous chat program that lets you sign up with just an email address, no mobile phone number required, and thus it’s become quite popular in the worlds of sex work and sexy chat. Follow any porn blog on Tumblr, and you’re likely to see the person’s kik blog in the address bar.
How I fit into this situation is that I’ve got a Kik and I have sex talk with interesting people. This has led to a year’s worth of adventures, a year’s worth of stories, some lovely people and some total jerks, and more dick pics than any person wants to see.
But what about my marriage?
You may be wondering how anonymous kik sexting with strangers fits into my existing relationship. Am I just terrible at keeping secrets and hope my husband doesn’t read my blog? Am I desperately looking for fulfillment in the digital arms of strangers? None of the above. I love my husband. We have a fun, healthy relationship. We’re also kinksters, and part of that kink is playing with other people via chat. He does it, I do it, and we share stories afterward. That’s our dynamic.
Another part of our dynamic is BDSM, which you’ve probably gathered from reading my books. (You do read my books, right? If not, go ahead and read some. I’ll wait. You can find them all right here.) I won’t get into the actual intricacies of my existing BDSM relationship, although I will talk freely in emails, but part of that relationship is playing with other Dom/mes now and then on Kik. What playing looks like for me is twofold: sometimes it’s just discussing fantasies and dirty talk with someone. Sometimes it’s doing a “scene,” which involves following instructions for sex acts and describing my responses. Often, it’s hot and fun for everyone involved. Sometimes, it’s a disaster.
Which brings us to my adventures in Kik play.
The Hall of Shame: Don’t Be That Dick
Just like actual sex can be terrible, so too can chat sex be terrible. When you’re a submissive woman, you’re the target of an endless ocean of wannabe “Doms” on Kik. Dick pics as far as the eye can see, or an introduction that starts by ordering me around, bad manners in general, or some combination thereof.
“Bob” and I chatted for a bit, but never actually played, because he didn’t have anything real to say. Plus, he didn’t have any sense of timing. I told him when I was working, but he would message me all hours of the day and night with “hey,” and when he wouldn’t get a response, would try an hour later. I told him I didn’t want to chat and directed him to some chat groups on Fetlife, where he actually asked to borrow my login.
Yup, that’s a dick pic for his avatar. Of course. He later came back to me to whine about how there weren’t any groups, he couldn’t find them, and would I please find him kik groups and link them. Needless to say, “Bob” and I didn’t last very long.
Another class act was the Domme whose chat got deleted and therefore, no screen shots. We were playing wonderfully: she was giving me instructions, I was following them and sending her photos, and then she asked for a video, to which I said no. (I don’t do face pictures or videos.) Then she just… stopped messaging. In the middle of a scene. We’d been playing for almost an hour. Things had been happening. It was quite rude.
My favorite, though, is Captain Nonsequitor, who had no sense of subtlety at all. We had some sexy chat, and then he became demanding, all the time, while I was clearly unavailable.
After that one fun session, he began to believe that his cock was my responsibility.
No, Captain. I definitely don’t want to.
The crowning achievement, though, was his “Happy New Year” message. I thought, hey, an actual greeting that doesn’t involve his cock! Maybe we can have a conversation.
I have not messaged the Captain back since, and he took the hint and has not messaged me again. Stay tuned, though, because he might pop up again with another unexpected status on his balls.
The Best of Times: Being a Great Kik Sext Partner
Despite these dicks, there are great and fun people on Kik as well, and I’ve had a wonderful time playing with them. Based on my experiences, here are some ways to be a great partner for someone if you’re sexting them on Kik. I’ve geared my examples toward guys, but it works for both sexes:
- Have a profile pic other than your genitals. Back to the dick pics. I get that you might be really proud of your dick. You grew it yourself, after all. But we don’t want to look at it before we even know you. Pick another picture! Something that represents you. Now, I won’t necessarily write someone off just for a dick pic, but it makes me cautious. It’s nice to know you’re more than your penis.
- Start an actual conversation. “Be my whore and suck my cock” is not a greeting; it’s the text equivalent of a molestation on the subway. My successful chats start with “hello” and maybe some conversation about my blog. Generally, we talk about common interests, what sort of work we do, where in the world we live, etc. It’s called getting to know someone.
- If you want to sext, ask. If you’re messaging someone from a porn blog, chances are they sext with some people. Maybe you’ll be one of them! But if you never ask, it won’t happen. Lots of very nice people message me, and some of them never come out and ask for sexting, even though I kind of think they want to. If I’m interested, I’ll initiate, but it’s nice if you’re clear about what you want.
- Talk about your likes and dislikes and limits. Before I do any kind of sexting or play with someone, I want to know what they’re into and I want them to know my preferences as well. Nothing kills the mood in a scene more quickly than having to explain midstream that no, that’s a hard limit for me. I’ll happily have that conversation, but it’s easier if we’ve had it ahead of time.
- Respect people’s boundaries. I don’t share face pictures on my chats, nor do I take video. Lots of people don’t take photos at all, and that’s okay too. Don’t beg someone to break their rules for you. That’s a dick move, and you need to read up on consent. Similarly, many people do sex work for money on kik. Don’t ask them for free chat with you. It’s their livelihood.
- Bring something to the table. Everyone should get something out of the sex play. Don’t be like the Captain who offered nothing but wanted me to type out elaborate fantasies so he could rub one out. Contribute your own sexy talk to the conversation rather than expecting your partner to do all the work.
If you follow these rules, you’ll be set to initiate some conversations and maybe meet some new friends.
Is Anonymous Sexting for You?
There are lots of benefits to this kind of sex play, and if you’re single or in a relationship where this fits with your and your partner’s comfort level, you might find it’s fun.
First off, it’s anonymous. You can rig up a dummy email and chat with people without anyone knowing who you are, as long as you’re smart about the information you share. Anonymity is a plus.
It’s also a great way to practice your dirty talk skills. If you’re more skilled with words when you have time to plan them and think about them, but you get shy in bed, anonymous Kik play is a place to practice and type rather than talk.
Finally, when it works well, it’s hot! You’re sharing with a partner with no commitments, you get to explore your own likes and dislikes, and you can make up whatever fantasies you want.
You’re going to get creeps. You’ll get people you have to block. But you’ll also probably meet nice people, too, and fun people, and people you can just talk with about anything. I’ve made some close friends through a Kik group, and maybe you will, too.
Just be prepared for a lot of dick pics.