Welcome to Part 2 of the Wide World of Sex Toys! If you’ve missed Part 1, you can find it here. This post comes to celebrate National Masturbation Month, occurring right now (right now!) in May. Once you finish reading this post, feel encouraged to celebrate this fine month of self-love.
Things That Go “Buzz” In The Night
I’ll bet that for most women, their first purchased toy was a vibrator. And there’s a reason: homemade dildos are easy, but homemade vibrators are a bit more challenging. Personally, I got my start as a vibrator fan through those squiggle pens. Hilariously, when I Googled “squiggle pen” just now, this link came up first: apparently I wasn’t the only person using these pens for more than writing notes. I’ve also heard electric toothbrushes are a decent substitute, but in today’s market, buying an actual vibrator is probably cheaper.
There are so many different types of vibrators with so little in common that they barely fit in the same category.
“Kind Of Looks Like A Penis” Insertable Models
Standard cylindrical models are cheapest and simplest, and are a good starter model for the inexperienced toy-buyer. Some women prefer internal vibration, and some prefer external vibration. If you don’t know which one you are, then the basic vibrator (which can be used for either) will help you figure it out.
“Doesn’t Look At All Like A Penis, At Least Not An Earth Penis” Insertable Models
Some insertable vibrators are curved for g-spot stimulation, or are shaped like cute animals for some reason, or are somehow otherwise different from a penis. It’s okay. They still work the same way as the ones that do look like penises.
“Sure, It’s My Back Massager” Models
Some vibrators are specifically designed for external stimulation. The Magic Wand is probably the most popular, and while I’ve never given it a go myself, it’s popularity cannot be disputed. You can purchase a variety of attachments to give it some variety, but even at its most basic, it’s the Cadillac of plug-in vibrators. There are some knock-offs that pretty much do the same thing.
Shot Through The… Heart? Bullet Vibes
Couldn’t someone have thought of a better name for these than bullet vibes? Well, I guess they do look like bullets. Bullet vibes are small external vibrators, usually attached to a battery pack by a cord. They vary in size, strength, and fancy features: some have multiple vibration patterns, and some just use a simple on/off mechanism. In my opinion, one of the greatest advantage to bullet vibes is their ability to be used during penetrative sex, since they’re small and don’t much get in the way.
A seriously under-developed subset of bullet vibes are remote-control bullet vibes. If you’ve read Purely Professional, you know that remote-control bullet vibes play a major role in some of Max and Bridget’s public play. Unfortunately, I had to take a lot of creative license to invent the perfect remote-control toy. I’ve tried two wannabes: the bNaughty and the Club Vibe 2.OH. Both, frankly, left me underwhelmed, especially given the price. The stimulation isn’t very strong, and the remote control is sporadically effective. When, oh when, will they make a good, small remote-control bullet vibe? Toy companies, get on this! And, dear readers, if you know of any good remote-control bullet vibes, leave me a comment!
The “Twice As Nice” Models
Some vibrators are euphemistically called “Twice as Nice” models, but I suppose you could also call them “Look Ma, No Hands!” (but that’s creepy, because your mom) or “I Don’t Feel Like Doing Anything But Lying Here,” which might be the most accurate description of all. These models pair an insertable shaft with an external clitoral stimulator of some kind. These vary in complexity and price; the most elaborate might have rotating shafts, spinning pearls, multiple motors or varying vibration patterns. The “Rabbit Pearl” is probably the most popular, hitting mainstream popularity back when Ally McBeal discussed it on TV. (I’m not old, right? You all remember that show?) If you want one that
mows the lawn washes the car does the dishes (damn, all these clichés sound sexual in this context!) does lots of fancy stuff, you’ll pay for the pleasure. But in a way, that’s what all vibrators are: paying for the pleasure.
Some vibrators fit in multiple categories (Heh. Fit in.) or no category at all. For example, some vibrators are made to be worn: they have harnesses to hold them in place for clitoral stimulation, or they fit over your fingers. Some vibrators are shaped for external stimulation but don’t look anything like bullets. Just because I don’t categorize it here doesn’t mean it’s not worth trying!
Vibrators are varied and fun. They range in price point, style, and functionality, so don’t be afraid to buy many different kinds and experiment. Chances are, you’ll find something that makes you go buzz in the night, too.