As we celebrate National Masturbation Month, it’s fun (and cringe-inducing) to remember those embarrassing moments in pursuit of orgasm. Masturbation mishaps: we all have them. Before we get to that, though, the results of yesterday’s Twitter poll.
More than half of respondents had their first orgasm at age 13 or younger. Very impressive, folks! I’m part of the 14-17 camp, myself, and I’m pretty impressed at those of you who figured it out earlier.
Mishap 1: The Mailing Mistake That Wasn’T
I have two embarrassing moments for today’s confessional. The first happened back when I was in college, and I had ordered some toys from Good Vibrations to get sent to my house while I was home for the summer. Their toys come in plain packages a nondescript return address label, so I wasn’t concerned. I received my toys, no problem.
A month later, after I’d gone back to college, they sent me a catalog. Again, it was in a nice plain envelope, totally innocuous. It was so innocuous that my mom thought nothing of (committing a felony and) opening it to see if it was important enough to forward to me. Cue her surprise.
Instead of deducing that her daughter was ordering sex toys, though, she assumed they had me on the mailing list by mistake. She thought the catalog itself was hilarious and proceeded to show all of our family friends, letting them know about how funny it was that her daughter was on this mailing list. All the family friends, I’m sure, knew why I was really getting that catalog.
Mishap 2: Housekeeping Surprises
My second incident happened just this past summer, and I tweeted about it, because that’s just the kind of person I am. While I was in New York for RWA Nationals, I was staying at a lovely little hotel uptown. I was headed out one evening for a dinner with my Gallery/Pocket peeps and thought, “There’s no need to hide the incriminating stuff that’s out. Housekeeping won’t come this late at night.”
Turns out housekeeping does sometimes come that late at night. I had out a pile of Purely Professional next to some parachute cord I was using to make keychains, so the housekeeping person got to see this:
Best of all, my nJoy fun wand – you know, the one I wrote about a couple of days ago – was sitting on the counter in the bathroom.
The next time I saw the housekeeper, her eyes got wide, she started grinning, and then ducked her head sheepishly and immediately rushed past me.
All right, readers. Surely some of you have had masturbation mishaps. Please comment here, or tweet them with #masturbationmishaps. If I get some good ones, I’ll post them here on the blog.
Day 5 of #MasturbationMonth ! Here’s today’s poll. What’s your preferred method for masturbation?
— Elia Winters (@EliaWinters) May 5, 2016