My First Vibrator: A Story in MS Paint

My first vibrator was everything you shouldn’t buy in a vibrator, and that’s what I’ll be talking about today for Masturbation Month. There are MS Paint drawings. Stay tuned.

First, though, survey results! 50% of poll respondents use a vibrator as their preferred masturbation method, edging out “hands only” which ended up in second place with 42% of the vote. Thanks for participating.

Today’s gif:

Benedict Cumberbatch as Sherlock, looking aroused
When you see the subject of all your naughtiest fantasies.

My First Vibrator: The Purple Vibrator of Doom

All right, the purple vibrator of doom wasn’t REALLY my first vibrator if you count my Squiggle pen, but this was the first sex toy I bought that was actually designed to be a sex toy.

The year was my freshman year of college. I was 17 18. Definitely 18. Definitely of the legal age to buy sex toys. My friends dragged me into a little local sex shop on a shopping trip, mostly so they could ogle the toys and giggle. Yes, they were THOSE customers. I was too shy to tell anyone, of course, but I was fascinated by the assortment of toys and desperate to own something. But I couldn’t buy something with all my friends there! That would be too embarrassing.

Clearly I’ve changed.

So I returned to the shop a few days later on my own. It was much more frightening on my own.

Paint drawing of me looking at toys
So many choices, all terrifying.

Fortunately, the clerk was very nice, and she let me browse without pressuring me. Finally, I chose a vibrator. Specifically, I chose a purple jelly rubber vibrator that had little nubs on one end and a variable speed. It cost me about $17 and it looked a lot like this.

Image of the vibrator of doom

Everything was a bad idea about this toy, but I didn’t know it then. It was jelly rubber, which you can’t really clean. It was probably full of phthalates because no one knew about them back then.

Most significant for me, though, was that it was giant. It didn’t seem that giant in the store, but the little rubber nubs added some serious girth. As soon as I got back to my dorm room and my roommate had left for her night class, I decided to give it a try, and I realized that it was actually much, much bigger than I thought.

Vibrator next to giant building
Here it is, pictured next to the Chrysler building for scale.

Eventually, I managed to use this mammoth toy. It was intense and fun, even though my poor parts weren’t quick to recover. The thing smelled like rubber, though, and so I had to keep it wrapped in two socks to mask the rubber smell, which somewhat hindered sexy times. Eventually, as I purchased more toys, I realized how terrible the first toy was and threw it out.

What were your first toys, readers?

Today’s Twitter Survey

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